Books, toilets and air fresheners

May 13, 2010

I have noticed something about myself that is not a good thing.  I spend more time on the pot than ever before.  Which reminds me of a joke someone told me.  “Stand on the toilet and get high on Pot”.  Hmm.  Sorry, couldn’t resist.  Well, since I have aged more this seems to correlate to spending quality time on the throne.  It’s actually not even quality time since I forget reading material since I don’t know if I will be awhile or not. 

This is not a good trend since I currently live in my Mom’s basement with one bathroom and my wife and 5 daughters.  Or, maybe this is good and forces the kids to go upstairs and ask Grandma if they can use the guest closet.  They don’t even have to ask but it gets them seen and heard by the other generation.  Communication can be done in so many ways.

It’s gotten bad enough that the wife has mentioned it and the girls are totally trying to beat me to the bathroom if I seem headed that way.  Fortunately for me I am still faster and stronger than they are.  Time will betray me but I am sure to start my exercise regime next week.  Or the one after that…Can’t remember when I scheduled that.

It has gotten frequent enough that I can now use it to irritate any of my kids who may have irritated, bugged, disobeyed or bothered me previously.  “sorry this is taking so long, might want to go upstairs”.  Just as a disclaimer, I have never done so, just saying I could, if I wanted to.  But not to you Co.  Ever.  Promise.  However, kids beware.  Or visiting family.  Now, where did I put that book and the air freshener?

Oh what a feeling!

April 14, 2010

I know of no greater pleasure or feeling than when I arrive home from work and my kids come running to greet me.  Young or old, tall or short.  Mostly it’s the short ones who come running.  The older kids tend to be into whatever girl teens are into.  I love to hear the “Daddy” and the tap tap tap of their feet down the hall or sidewalk.  Most often they even make it all the way to me and I get to pick up a bundle of love and joy, get 2 seconds of lovin and then get the wiggle and “down” commanding her release.  Makes my day.

The other day I came in the front door and their mom told them I was home and tap tap tap come those feet.  I left the front door open and opened my arms.  Tap tap tap and on by me they go running to make it out the front door before someone closes the opening.  Little did I know that I was the consolation prize to not being able to make it outside before I closed the door to then turn around and greet my family.  Gives new meaning to “oh what a feeling”.  Now I feel like buying a car for some reason.

Who’s more evolved?

February 12, 2010

I was talking with Chelsea the other day and somehow Daffy Duck and Donald Duck came up.  Someone should study how random thoughts come into your head.  Where was I?  oh yea, the ducks.

I used to entertain my kids imitating Donald Ducks voice quite often.  They would frequently ask me to do the “Donald Duck voice”.  You just tried to do it yourself didn’t you?  It’s hard to resist.  I was not nearly as understandable as the guy who does Donald but what does a 4 year old care?

Wait, my 14 year old asked me to do it again the other day for her friend.  You know, like a parlor trick or something.  “let’s go to Anderson’s house, maybe we can get him to do the voice thing”.  Where was I?

So, Chelsea and I were talking.  About the ducks.  And I was wondering why it was that Donald was so much harder to understand than Daffy (or any other duck in the cartoons, Taz was almost easier to understand)  I love Taz.  Focus….

We finally decided it must be that Daffy is further along the evolutionary scale.  He’s more evolved!  Glad I could clear that up.  Sleep easy America.


January 14, 2010

One evening I was minding my own business and my wife was minding hers when she tells me she needs more neighbors.  As we live in a neighborhood of at least 30-40 houses I was confused and innocently asked her what she was talking about.  Hmmm, mistake number one.  The mistakes get bigger.

I had played Mafia Wars (if you can call it playing) and quit after a week.  Didn’t my attention much.  So I had seen the ads for Farmville which didn’t catch my attention either.  My wife plays, it turns out.  Also turns out my oldest daughter plays.  A lot.

In order to expand her “farm” she needed 8 neighbors.  I was the key.  So, sure, I signed up.  Well, you can send “gifts” that benefit your neighbors so I started sending her and Chelsea gifts.  You can get bonuses from other peoples good fortune, ribbons for plowing and planting, nifty names like “GREEN GIANT’, pack rat, architectural awards all of which award you with fictional gold coins and XP points that raise your level. 

In several words, I was caught.  We haven’t figured out how to purposely get more FV, which are farmville dollars with which you can buy stuff.  You can even spend your own real money on stuff if you really want to.  I have not succumbed.  McKenzie saw her opening and offered to play and be our neighbor so we could continue to grow.  The thing is, you have to have a facebook account to play farmville.

You guessed it, she got it.  With restrictions.  She will be deleted if she goes outside those restrictions again.  She is 14 and apparently felt the need to push it.  Now my 4 year old and 1 year old  have accounts and are my neighbors.  If they get out of line that’s it, I’m quitting and taking them all with me. 

Jasmine has held out on some principle.  We are wearing her down!!  I may have to go and open accounts for my mom and sister.  Somebody help me!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

December 23, 2009

I love christmas decorations and setting up my yard.  I think it looks good.  But here is a link to which I aspire and may never live up to.  So, if you love good or over the top christmas displays this site is for you.  Enjoy and Merry Christmas everyone.

Blog posting

December 2, 2009

I’m told I don’t post enough to keep readership high.  Sorry bout that.  Some of us don’t have all that extra time at work to keep posting almost daily.  I don’t think blogging just to put up a blog would be worthwhile to me or you.  Wait, I just blog for the fun of it.  Is that ok?  Come back anytime!  If you have more time to read lots of blogs visit  Lots of blogs to choose from and search for just about any topic you could want.  Stop by back here occasionally, I might have something new.  Peace out!  Where does that come from anyway?

Guilty Pleasure

November 25, 2009

Every year it’s the same story.  I like to put my christmas lights up early enough that I am not freezing or slipping off the roof.  I think this is rational behavior.  But then I see my neighbors and others putting them up AND turning them on WAY before thanksgiving.

I made a deal with my wife when we were married and she saw how nuts I like to go  with the lights on the house.  They can go up but do not get turned on until Thanksgiving.

I think if I was in the military or police I would have what the call an “itchy trigger finger”.  It takes everything I have plus threats from Colleen to not turn on my lights prior to the traditional day.  I secretly revel in the neighbors lights going on and others throughout the area.  I love christmas lights.  If I have it I want it out for display. 

This poses the challenge of finding the right combination that won’t blow the fuse box.  Once again, I digress.  Had the same problem writing papers in school.  Lack of focus.  Where was I?

Oh yeah, lights.  So, should I feel guilty that I love it when the other lights go on before Thanksgiving?  I get conflicted.  Some say its ok to have guilty pleasures and others don’t.  I don’t know how Freud stood on the issue.  I think I will continue to enjoy and wait for my stock pile of LED lights to get big enough that I can use the “saving energy” ploy some day.

Here’s to enjoying those guilty pleasures!

Pinball is fun!

November 18, 2009

I have discovered a need and a way to meet that need.  On ramps and off ramps are particularly sticky points on the freeway during rush hour.  Why do they call it rush hour?  Is it because everyone would LIKE to rush or simply TRYING to rush?  Because there isn’t any rushing the rush hour traffic!  I digress.

Freeways should be designed like a pinball machine.  Instead of traffic lights there should be giant pistons that draw back and shoot you into traffic at highway speeds or better.  This is key!@!!!  Waaaaaay too many people are doing 45-55 when the merge lane runs out and no one wants to let you on the freeway going slower than they are.  At that point everyone is then trying to decide how fast they want to go or have already decided and get in the lane of their choice.  There should be no choices at this point.

In pinball there are often little lanes at the top that the ball randomly drops into depending on how fast the ball was going or what thingy’s it has hit.  No randomness in this system.  You punch in what speed you want to go and the giant piston drops you into that lane.  Or magnets under the highway, or something.  That is why I will hire my niece who is becoming an engineer last I knew.  Each lane will be assigned “points” or a speed.  65, 75, 85 and the HOV lane is 100.  And no “toll” passes.  This clogs up the lane for those of us who actually qualify, not who can afford it.

No gas pedals work on the freeways.  All done by Magneto.  His prison sentence is to regulate traffic flow with his returned powers.  Anyone who tries to get into the HOV who doesn’t qualify is flipped off the road and collected by the police.  Each lane is magnetically or otherwise controlled for whatever speed is assigned.  Just like the little toy race tracks there is no changing lanes.  Ever.  No changing your mind about speed once launched.

To get off the freeway you hit the exit button on the dash at the appropriate time and an overhead magnet thingy or like apparatus will swoop in, lift your car off the freeway and deposit it at the bottom of the off ramp where your gas pedal gets to work again and you can’t get in my, er, our way on the freeway and make all kinds of stupid decisions or indecisions.  If you get the wrong exit you hit the button at the wrong time and you have to use surface streets to get where you needed to go.  Kind of like the game Diplomacy.  You write your orders down prior to everyone moving and submit them at the same time.  If you wrote it wrong, tough, the wrong order is obeyed or if it is badly written (not in correct form) you don’t get to move at all.  The Who had it right all along.

Pinball is fun and rewarding!

Cash or Credit?

November 3, 2009

What is it with the card readers at stores now?!  Do you remember the commercials that show the cash guy slowing the line down and the card guy speeding right through?  Hah!  Now you have to answer 10 questions or so.  what kind of transaction, wait for cashier, is this the correct amount, do you want it all on the same card, do you want cash back, is this the correct amount, wait for authorization.  Did I miss any?

And heaven forbid you go to the pharmacy!

“Women drivers” or Can I get this to go!?

October 12, 2009

I have seen this happen in movies, never in real life and never to me. 

I have gotten in the habit of drinking Diet Coke or Diet Dr. Pepper.  I used to buy them in 44 oz cups 1-2 times a day.  A budget advisor told us that we should buy things on sale when we could so now I look for the 69 and 79 cent sales on 2-liters.  And buy 20. 

Well, the wife and I went out house hunting Saturday and I stopped to get gas and some pop.  It’s just better from the fountain, usually, and Diet Dr. Pepper rarely goes on sale. 

I started the gas pumping and went to purchase my drink.  They distracted me by making me answer more questions on the card reader than I was prepared to do.  I rarely go in now since I get my pop at home and pay for gas at the pump.  I get to the car and all seems well.  We start to leave and hear a loud scrape and thumping, like in all the ghost stories only it was daylight and I am at the gas station.

I look in the rear-view mirror and I see half of the gas hose still hanging from my gas tank and the other half hanging from the pump.  I stop and return to inspect the damage and return my half to the pump area.  In front of 20 snickering people.

Fortunately it had some kind of quick release clasp that quick released for me.  I did not re-attach.  I calmly went into the store, told him I had broken his hose on pump 3 and stated something like “it looks like it will go right back on”, he said something like “I hope so” and I calmly got the heck out of there.  I almost always buy my gas there.  Might have to start going to 800 north.  Do you think they take pictures and pass them out to the other stations with the heading of “latest idiots”.

Meanwhile the wife is laughing and letting me know how glad she is I did that and not her.  She figures everyone would have thought dumb woman drivers should stay off the road and away from gas stations.

She figures their response to me would be more along the lines of “he must have a lot on his mind”.  I didn’t want to tell her that all the guys would be thinking “drives like a woman”.


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